Grief and Loss in the Congregation

GRIEF AS A RESPONSE TO LOSS/ENDINGS

To live is to grieve, for grief is a natural response to loss, and life is replete with loss. As clergy, lay ministers, or congregational leaders, we see grief "up close" and we see the bereaved struggling to respond to their severe losses. Our people sometimes need help in seeing that grief is not a disease but a normal part of everyday living. They need to know that as they go on this "journey" of grief they need not be alone. Specifically, they need our help in facing their difficult feelings, not denying them.

A MINISTRY TO THE GRIEVING

Persons in grief experience a variety of feelings as they work through this process. SHOCK is one of the first emotional responses to loss—especially loss by death. The bereaved really can't believe that the death has happened and thus they may not feel much inside for awhile. One particular help can be management—church people bringing food and helping with arrangements and relatives. Pastoral conversations can gradually focus upon the reality of the loss, and the funeral can deal honestly with the facts of loss. Remember: the mourner is in shock and therefore the pain is spread out over time so it can be managed.

PAIN is another dimension of grief. The funeral or memorial service is over, visitors eventually leave, some semblance of routine living is resumed and the reality of the loss begins to set in. For the person to feel this pain means that she/he is beginning to come to terms with the void, with the enormity of the loss. As ones who shepherd the mourning, we can assist their pain by helping them face as much of it as they can at a given time. Help them not to deny, smooth over, or "be brave." Pain really hurts and we can help people to experience this deeply-felt hurt and know they can make it.

During the grieving process the mourner may "SEARCH" for the lost person. Daily visits to the cemetery, a room kept just as the dead person left it, the occasional wearing of some of the dead person's clothing, a preoccupation with images of the past—all indicate searching. The bereaved is sending signals that she or he needs to talk about the feelings of loss, to talk about the dead person, and feelings of guilt and loneliness. Pastorally we can minister in this searching by helping the persons talk and do memory reflection—to talk about how it was back there, the good and the bad times; the things she or he liked and didn't like about the dead person. This helps to prevent a "mythology of the past" which remembers only the good times and good characteristics of a person. During a pastoral visit suggest that the two of you (or the family) look through the photograph album. And talk realistically about the past, and the dead person.

A normal part of coming to terms with loss and endings is DEPRESSION. As helpers we need not be put off by this depression, for we can see it as another opportunity to minister. Anger may be at the heart of this depression so the bereaved may need to talk about it: anger at God, the church, the clergy, or anger at the dead person, or medical personnel. Permission to feel this anger and to be accepted while expressing it are unique gifts to give a grieving member of the congregation. Additionally, our acceptance of their intense anxiety, guilt, and loneliness helps the bereaved "move."

Over a period of time as the bereaved moves through "the valley of the shadow of death," we can continue to help in the healing by fostering the congregation's support and care of the bereaved, by helping the grieving to "re-enter" an active participation in congregational life, by continual availability to listen to feelings, by encouragement toward autonomous decision-making, new relationships and a new life.

THE CONGREGATIONAL SYSTEM

The grief that follows loss by death may be the clearest form of grief that calls for our ministry. However, there are numerous forms of unrecognized losses in congregational life which, if unrecognized and unmourned, can spill over into other dimensions of congregational life. A congregation is a kind of family system that experiences many kinds of loss and when these losses are not dealt with directly they can surface in other forms, like congregational conflict, congregational despair, and a loss of self-esteem as a people. Consider the following as losses/endings/deaths that occur in the congregational system:

The neighborhood around the church changes.
A long-time member of the congregation retires and moves away.
A church staff member leaves.
A child dedication/baptism of the first child ends a way of life for a couple forever.
A couple in the church divorces and members feel they must choose between the two persons.
Each year a number of families in the congregation have youths graduate from high school or college, leave home for military service or marry.
Weddings are rituals of beginnings but also have many endings occurring simultaneously, for weddings mark and foster separation.
The death of a particular person in the congregation may mark the passing of an era in the life of the congregation.
On a given day of worship many members may silently be marking an anniversary of a significant loss.
A denomination decides to use a new Book of Worship that replaces one used for many years.
A church member commits suicide.
A church moves to a new building.
Churches merge to form a "new" church.A church member is passed over for promotion at work.
The Sunday following Christmas the members seem to lack "spirit."
As church members spiritually they may give up outworn theologies that once served them well.
At a given time a percentage of members may be in the process of a job transfer.
A pastor leaves and is never mourned and conflict may show up later with a new pastor.
National events can result in congregational grief; consider the loss of the Shuttle Challenger, the death of a President, the crash of a large airliner, mass shootings in high schools, terrorist bombings, shootings by disgruntled employees, cult suicides, serial murders or rapes, and the possible impact of these events upon congregants.
A member of the congregation has a mastectomy.
Numerous church members have aging parents—some of which may be terminally ill.
When the average age of church members is quite high, the congregation may be in grief about the loss of potential, or the loss of status.
Some church members may be losing muscular or neurological functions of the body.
As church members grow through developmental stages of living they must "give up" in order to "move on."

RESOURCES FOR MINISTRY

PASTORAL

Learn how loss and grief have been handled in your congregants' families of origin.
Identify to your congregation some of the endings that are present, though unnoticed, in other rituals.
Know bibliography as a ministry; recommending books really can help!
Struggle with this question: How do people enter and leave the congregational system? What does this have to do with loss?
It is good pastoring to train lay people in pastoral care and especially in care for the grieving.
As clergy or congregational lay ministers/leaders you serve a whole family system when death occurs. Learn how to minister to this system by treating the crisis as an opportunity to affect the entire relationship system.
Inform yourself about children's understanding of death and their unique needs in grief.
Consider a bereavement support group for those suffering loss by death.

PREACHING

Preaching can give permission to grieve, to feel.
Sermons can focus on "life-style events" in family life that contain loss.
Be honest about your own losses/griefs and your struggles in these.
Preaching can point to losses/endings that are otherwise seen as "ordinary" events.
Proclaim the truths of your particular religious perspective concerning grief.

WORSHIP

Utilize rituals of endings and rituals of beginnings as means to help congregants acknowledge and deal with loss/endings.
Funerals, as rituals of endings, can balance remembering and hoping.
At funerals be real when remembering a person's life—people are always a mixture, for there are no saints.
Are there ways to ritualize and set apart other kinds of endings—divorce, retirement, leaving home?
At baptisms of the first child acknowledge the change (and loss) in the marital system that this child brings.
Consider using Memorial Day Sunday or All Saints Day as a time for public recognition of those from the congregation who died in the last year.
Weddings are a ritual of beginnings but have endings in the beginnings. It is a ritual of farewell of both partners from their respective families. Acknowledge the loss.

BIBLICAL REFERENCES

Ecclesiastes 3—A time for everything; especially verse 4: "He sets the time for sorrow and the time for joy, the time for mourning and the time for dancing.""
I Thessalonians 4:13—We need not grieve as those who have no hope. Since we have hope and god's presence, we are freed to grieve deeply, to experience our losses.
Ezra 3—The rebuilding of the Temple was an occasion for grief as well as joy.
Psalm 23—Through the valley of the shadow of death.
Genesis 12—God's call to Abraham and Sarah is to a place that will be shown; involves giving up (loss) and moving on by faith.
Genesis 23—Abraham insists upon paying for land to bury Sarah. Could his monument to her have been the result of his guilt about having offered her as his sister to the Egyptian official so as to save his own life?

Publications page | Home page